Lee Camp Guest Blog

WARNING: This blog post contains language which some may find offensive.

American stand-up and contributor to The Onion and The Huffington Post speaks to the festival ahead of his show on Sunday 27 March:

I’m thrilled to be playing the Glasgow Comedy Festival for many reasons, not the least of which is that audiences in Europe, if I may broadly and spectacularly generalize, seem to still remember how to pay attention and focus on a show. Sounds novel, doesn’t it? In my experience Americans are far more likely to get out their mobile phones during the show and text someone who is apparently FAR more important than the performer they’ve paid money to watch – probably someone like the Pope or Lady Gaga. We Americans think we’re so f**king important that every last school teacher or truck driver or university student has to update his or her Facebook every twelve minutes because the lives of thousands depend on it.

In the average American show at any given time at least two people have the warm glow of a mobile illuminating their crotch or their tits. I’ve been in many a show where someone (often in the front row) actually ANSWERS their f**king mobile during the show. They actually talk on the f**king phone! Unless your child has locked himself in a bank vault with a rattle snake and you’re the only one with the combination, there’s no reason to talk on your phone during a comedy show – and EVEN THEN, you should leave the showroom before telling your babysitter the code to the snake vault.

I’m not saying only Americans are a**holes. There are plenty everywhere around the world. After all, former President Bush has friends in Europe, and they MUST be c**ts. In fact, you reading this right now, you may be an a**hole for all I know. You may come from a long, proud line of a**holes. All I’m saying is that – if I had to blatantly generalize – Americans do not appreciate and focus on a performance, comedy or otherwise, as well as other parts of the world do… I take that back. Out of morbid curiosity I recently went to watch a competitive eating competition, and the audience seemed to give THAT a great deal of reverence.

In case you’re curious – you have not truly lived until you’ve seen a 200kg man with enormous breasts shoving hotdogs down his face hole at a tremendous speed. And yet people have the nerve to say gay marriage is unnatural and not what God intended?? If God exists, there is nothing he intends LESS than for immense human beings who aren’t hungry AT ALL to shove cow parts down their crocodile gullets with people cheering them on!

Anyway, come to my show on Sunday 27 March and we’ll figure this whole world out together.

Lee Camp will be performing his solo show Taking the Piss Out Of America on Sunday 27 March at Blackfriars Basement. Click here for more show information.

Find out more about Lee at leecamp.net.